Sinking in
05.07.08 at 2:14 a.m.
Twelve hours from now I'll be taking an exam. Then Thursday morning I'll be taking my last college exam EVER.It's really hitting me that I'm leaving. I'm LEAVING. I haven't thought about it yet. I know I probably talk about it a lot, but it's really never hit me like it is now. We all go around saying "Wow, can you believe we're graduating SO SOON?" but I've never really thought about it.
You know why it hit me today? Because The Powers That Be emailed me to warn me that my university email account is gonna be deleted soon. NO FUCKING WAY. They gave me the exact date and time and everything. Like an execution.
I KNOW I'm overreacting. I can archive my emails and shit. But I really have not accepted the fact that I have to get out of here and get a real life.
I feel like I have to prove myself now. Everyone else has plans. Even Paddles has plans. He's chillin' out and applying to grad schools next year and he STILL managed to turn that into an accomplishment by winning a fellowship from his college to support him next year.
Meanwhile I have no idea what I want to do, and nothing I've done in college will help me because it's not stuff I want to do in the future. So while my parents worry about my little sister because she hasn't started college yet, she can probably get better jobs than I can. What am I supposed to do?
I do know one other person without a plan. Kay doesn't have a plan. She applied to some jobs a few months back but they either didn't work out or she decided she didn't like them, so she's waiting until the summer to start looking again. But she has a much more impressive resume than I do, better grades, and actual skills. So yeah.
I'm not regretting coming to this school because even though I don't feel prepared for anything I might want to do career-wise, this place did teach me what I DON'T want to do. And that's important. But shit. What now? Go back to school, I know. But I need a job in the meantime.
Also, I know how lucky I am. I am nothing BUT lucky. I am so fucking lucky it's not even funny. I've never had real problems and I've never had to work for anything. Sure, I've worked for some things, but I've never HAD to. I am very, very grateful for that, but it also makes me feel like crap about myself. I have never done anything on my own.
That's enough whining for tonight I think.
